Faith, Fear and Everything in Between

I found out I was pregnant with my sweet little Andy boy the same weekend I was grieving what would have been the due date of the sweet little baby we lost. That morning we had two birthday parties to attend. I remember sitting by the pool at the second birthday party of the day, trying to be present while feeling oh so detached from everything around me. I should’ve been at the hospital that day. I should’ve been preparing to welcome new life. But instead, it was just another day. I found out we were pregnant the very next day by taking a test on the whim. I was elated, terrified, expectant, hesitant, ready but not quite, and just about every emotion you could imagine!

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That season came rushing back to me this past Sunday as I stood in the midst of a congregation singing and declaring about faith and miracles. How lovely it was to sing that with full conviction—but I remember in other seasons singing similar songs when it took all my strength to even just whisper every word. As we sang those songs this past Sunday, I was completely overcome with gratitude for a God who holds us in every season. We have so much history with Him, and often times when I look back after exiting the valley, I’m so much more aware that He was actually with me the entire time.

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Pregnancy after loss was an interesting journey, to say the least. For me, there were so many opportunities [almost daily] to give in to fear.

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Will I lose this baby too? Will this end the same way it did the last time? Every symptom, every loss of a symptom, every change in my body made way for a crossroad of faith or fear. I had to choose. I chose faith. Some days, it was a constant choosing. Some days were harder to choose than others. I guess that’s why they call it the “fight” of faith.

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The major deciding factor in moving forward and not being paralyzed by fear was building up my mind. I had to choose to not allow fear to consume me. I had to remind my soul to hope and trust in the Lord, not in outcomes and circumstances. Outcomes and end results vary, but God is constant. With my faith and hope in Him, there was a firm foundation that couldn’t be knocked down no matter how much it was shaken or tested.

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I realize while writing this that some endings do end in human disappointment. But, when we fix our eyes on Jesus, even when we walk through deepest waters, He can restore our hope and our joy that stretches far beyond any human comprehension. We get to wrap up our mysteries and questions and lay them at the feet of Jesus, knowing that He will respond with what we need and will guide us through every season. He is a faithful God and He is the great reward.

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Whatever you’re facing today, remember that it is a moment, and a season. It may feel super elongated, but a new day is on the horizon. Resist the pull to be paralyzed by fear. Be strong. Be courageous. He is with you.

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Joshua 1:9 - “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

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