Bitter or Better?

Esther 1:12 (ESV) "But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king's command delivered by the eunuchs. At this the king became enraged, and his anger burned within him."

In the story of Esther, we find the king becoming enraged because Vashti simply told him no. His anger and bitterness burned within him and caused him to supress other women, and retaliate against Queen Vashti, seemingly all from this one moment. Her “no” caused him to be embarrassed, angry, prideful and bitter.

We can read his response, judge his ways, and tag him as being petty. But, when we think about our own lives, here’s an honest question: How do I respond when I am told no?

Years ago I took a training where we watched a video of parents saying “no” to their babies. Even though the babies were too young to even understand what no meant, there was a clear difference in the response of the babies from when a parent said yes, to when they said no. Even now with my (almost) 1.5 year old, he responds differently when I say no than when I say yes, even if I say it in the same tone, and even though he doesn’t quite fully grasp what the word means yet. There is something innate in us that simply just doesn’t like the word no.

So what happens when we don’t get that yes to the prayer we’ve been praying? Or we don’t get the yes to the desires in our heart right away? Do we get/stay bitter, or better? We must continually ask Jesus to help keep us from bitterness as we navigate life on this side of Heaven. And we must trust that God and His ways are both perfect.

I heard someone once say that bitterness was not getting what you thought you deserved. Ouch. That’s how I felt when I first heard it because in that moment I was in my own season of bitterness. And yes, I was upset because I didn’t get what I thought I deserved.

There was a distinct season where I thought my life would’ve played out a certain way. There was a certain thing that I thought I would’ve belonged to more—and when that didn’t happen, I felt left out, let down, upset and bitter. I felt wronged and I acted out of that place of bitterness. Man, how I cringe at myself when I look back on that season. Every single feeling was valid in the natural, but nothing could justify me lingering and dwelling in that place. I wish I had chosen better, but I regrettably chose bitter. But God used that season to help me now walk others through choosing better and not bitter. There is a better way.

It’s ok to feel the initial sting of no. We are still human after all. But we must choose to resist bitterness until our emotions catch up to our choice.

Here’s a practical tip: stop obsessing over the situation and rehearsing it in your head. We like to hit play on the scenario in our heads and replay it over and over and over again. You know what happens when we do this? Well, just like any other repetition, the more you do this, the more you embed it in there and it takes up residence. You create a home for your bitterness.

Don’t dwell on the no, dwell on God. Make a home for God’s peace to dwell in your heart—not the bitterness. These are fruitless things. Chose to forgive, chose to have grace (after all, most people are honestly doing the best they can with what they have. You realize this when you end up in your own moment where you have hurt someone you love and now you are the one in the seat needing grace extended). How I have learned this the hard way, and how the Lord in His kindness humbled me in the most gentle way. I could weep thinking of His grace towards me. Maybe you can too. And because we have forgiven much—we must forgive much. And because we have received so much grace—we must extend grace.

I’m not talking about staying in an abusive situation—I am talking about learning to move forward in difficult situations. There will always be one if you do life with people!

This isn’t easy—it’s painful and really, really hard. But when we give Him our hearts and allow Him to tend to it, we get to live in the glory of the better way. Friends, today, choose to be better and not bitter. There is so much freedom in living a life not weighed down by the cares and burdens of this world. Choose the better way.

-R 💜